Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?