we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
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is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
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