I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived