I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.