"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?