Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?