Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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