Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.