It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.