Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?