I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dating After Heartbreak
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?