There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.