I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.