I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?