Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
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YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
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