I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
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Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.