the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain