Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team