my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE