So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.