Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.