I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
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