I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster