Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing