remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Send us your Text From Last Night!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish you could order shots online.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Loading more great texts...