my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
home. puking in laundry basket.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
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