I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway