can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present