So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.