I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.