someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?