i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.