Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.