I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.