Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice