Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
They took my balls.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave