I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.