it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?