There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
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