I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic