I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff