Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.