I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.