Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.