In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.