Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms