Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.