You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.