The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.