If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.