Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right