RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.