How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.