Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
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I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.