Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.