Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes