I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes