He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.