I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.