Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.