There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.