Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?