Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
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I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
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