I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???