Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!