You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need to calm my uterus...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.