Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
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