i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
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Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
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