Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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