You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.