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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
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