How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag