i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.