just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?