It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom