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He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
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