Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....