Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.