If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.