I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.