Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best