According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Loading more great texts...