I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
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sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
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