I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
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