my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I made him laugh his dick is mine