one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
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