And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single ð¤¦ð¼ââï¸
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dating After Heartbreak
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade