Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between