Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car