Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...