the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit