I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.