As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"