She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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