so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
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