We just shotgunned beers for America
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Semen is not good for contacts.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Loading more great texts...