First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?