where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dating After Heartbreak
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.