My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch