I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.