Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!