I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?