I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
This should be illegal
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine