Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
These 17 People Made Horrible Decisions That Ruined Their Lives
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.