We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.