I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.