Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Missouri (816)

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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.

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  (816): I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey. http://tfl.nu/ef3v
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  My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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  (816): My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles http://tfl.nu/kz93
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  i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

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  (816): i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex http://tfl.nu/eas7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

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  Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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  (913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero. (816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from http://tfl.nu/rsiz
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  We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.

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  (816): We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly. http://tfl.nu/0x8b
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  We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?

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  (816): We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right? http://tfl.nu/k62y
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.

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  Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...

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  (660): He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence. (816): Your vagina must be laced with cocaine... http://tfl.nu/n747
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  It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

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  (816): It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions. http://tfl.nu/dx67
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  How did you make it to work sans hangover?

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  4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols

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  (660): How did you make it to work sans hangover? (816): 4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols http://tfl.nu/2csk
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  Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.

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  (816): Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand. http://tfl.nu/c0ji
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  You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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  (816): You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do. http://tfl.nu/w9t3
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  this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?

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  (816): this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..? http://tfl.nu/c9f0
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  I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.

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  (816): I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today. http://tfl.nu/j3kd
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka

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  You're so demanding.

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  (618): Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka (816): You're so demanding. http://tfl.nu/w483
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.

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  (816): It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain. http://tfl.nu/o28o
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