I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
This should be illegal
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....