Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.