Texts From Last Night

Last Night in California (818)

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  (818): View more from California

  i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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  (818): i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign http://tfl.nu/0lhe
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  two words...techno handjob

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  (818): two words...techno handjob http://tfl.nu/l83l
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  Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

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  And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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  (818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux
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  I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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  (818): I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder. http://tfl.nu/z8u4
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  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
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  Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

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  (818): Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on. http://tfl.nu/cwci
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  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

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  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

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  (818): his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up http://tfl.nu/dywv
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  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.

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  (818): Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents. http://tfl.nu/ynsx
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  I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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  (818): I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. http://tfl.nu/bkr9
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  Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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  (818): Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job. http://tfl.nu/3lp9
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  Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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  (818): Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you. http://tfl.nu/btkl
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  Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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  (818): Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around http://tfl.nu/awow
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  apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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  (818): apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today" http://tfl.nu/nsmf
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