Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you