the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well