I'm too high and old for this...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?